


Pretty Poison

by Lycaste



Category: The Transformers (IDW Generation One), Transformers - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Gen, cyber-darts, failed attempts at public humiliation, fanfiction culture, gladiator fanbots, rowdy decepticon betting, tfw your trine leader is an aft but is also awesome, tumultuous decepticon mealtimes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-22
Updated: 2017-07-22
Packaged: 2018-12-05 11:00:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11576727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lycaste/pseuds/Lycaste
Summary: The Decepticons get more than they bargained for when trying to discover Starscream's self-styled gladiator name.





	Pretty Poison

**Author's Note:**

> Written a while back on Tumblr after I was tagged in a post that mentioned how Starscream’s original nickname was “Pretty Poison”. One of the (many) reasons I loved this was that I am fully aware that I’ve way overused words like ‘poisonous’, ‘lethal’, and ‘venomous’ when describing Starscream in fics. So I started writing this silliness, with the intention of throwing in some of my other favorite Decepticon fic tropes like fanboy!starscream, TFs have fanfiction culture, and (my personal fave) Decepticons love betting on things.

When Decepticons bet, they bet heavy.

Heavy didn’t necessarily mean that lots of money was involved. Rather, it meant that the stakes were high. A day of rations. A month of cleaning duty. Whatever was on the line, it was something that neither party wanted to lose.

In this case, it was something Starscream valued greatly. His pride.

Thundercracker warily eyed the room full of jeering Decepticons. “Starscream,” he murmured, “this is a mistake. It could backfire on you and-”

“Shhhh,” interrupted Starscream. “I’ve got this.”

“I dunno,” said Skywarp with a shake of his head. “Bludgeon seems really confident. And when was the last time you played cyber-darts?”

Starscream shot Skywarp a withering look. “I said I’ve got this. Are you two gonna back me up or not?”

Thundercracker sighed. How had this situation escalated so rapidly? They’d been in the crowded mess hall, the three of them talking amongst themselves, when a mech at a nearby table had made some sort of gladiator comment. Of course Starscream had to get involved, and soon the conversation had turned into a raucous argument about the best gladiator name. This had led to Bludgeon openly mocking Starscream and accusing him writing self-insert arena fanfiction complete with his own Mechy Sue gladiator persona.

At that point, Thundercracker had expected Starscream to either laugh the whole thing off and try to change the subject, or to throw a temper tantrum and leave the mess hall altogether. He had _not_ expected Starscream to proudly assert that he had indeed given himself a gladiator name, and to state that it was too awesome for a wannabe phony like Bludgeon to appreciate.

Predictably, insults had been exchanged, threats had been hurled, and the whole argument had ended with a proposed game of cyber-darts. If Bludgeon won, Starscream had to state his self-styled gladiator name for the whole room to hear. If Starscream won, Bludgeon had to admit on camera that metallikato was a fighting style best suited for Autobots and organics.

When Decepticons bet, they bet heavy.

“Well?” said Starscream impatiently.

Thundercracker nodded to him. “Of course we’ll back you up. I just hope you know what you’re doing.” Inside he was cringing. He knew Starscream’s gladiator name. It _was_ kind of cool, and extremely fitting. But none of that mattered. The rest of the room would erupt in screeching taunts regardless of whatever the name was. And Starscream was a mech who did not take well to being ridiculed. He was setting himself up for embarrassment and hurt, something that Thundercracker hated seeing.

“Good,” whispered Starscream. “Follow my lead.” He turned to the eager crowd and flashed a venomous grin. “Let’s do this!”

The rest of the Decepticons cheered and arranged themselves in a haphazard semicircle facing the cyber-dart board. It was the plain style found in any old Cybertronian bar, a large circle with smaller concentric circles set into it. Every time a dart hit the board, the score would flash on a little monitor underneath. Starscream and Bludgeon held three darts each, three chances to emerge victorious.

Thundercracker suddenly felt himself shoved into Skywarp, and the two of them crashed to the floor. He picked himself back up, turbines whirring in irritation, and turned to tell off the mech who had so rudely bumped into them.

“Sorry,” said Overlord in a jolly tone that didn’t sound sorry in the slightest. “I didn’t see you there.”

“Watch where you’re going next time,” said Thundercracker. Hopefully that was enough to stand up for himself without fragging Overlord off too much. He extended a hand to Skywarp and pulled him to his feet.

Skywarp brushed at his plating. “Aft,” he grumbled.

From the center of the room, Starscream was watching them with a murderous expression. His upper lip curled, the plating around his optics shifted. His fist was clenched tightly around the darts. But mood transformation was the fastest thing about him, and in the next second he was smiling again. “Soldiers,” he said, flashing a glance to Black Shadow, “feel free to make this interesting!”

Black Shadow jumped at the bait. “Gambling? You mean gambling?! Oh hell yeah. I’ve got a hundred shanix on Bludgeon.”

The rest of the mechs laughed and demurred, various excuses filling the room. Whether it was fear of Black Shadow or a lack of confidence in Starscream’s cyber-dart prowess, it seemed no one wanted to take the bet.

Starscream stalked towards them, his wings hiked high and determined.

_Dammit_ , thought Thundercracker, _now I have to lose money on top of everything else?_ Obviously this was going to fall to him. He opened his mouth to announce that he’d take the bet, when a text flagged urgent came across their private Trinelink from Starscream.

_//Don’t! Don’t take it. I’ve got a plan.//_

Starscream grabbed Overlord’s massive wrist and pitched his voice low. “Everyone’s too afraid of Black Shadow. Will you take it? I’ll split it with you. I wanna make some cash out of this.”

Overlord scoffed and answered in a bored tone. “Why should I?”

“Three words,” said Starscream. “Advanced. Targeting. Software. All Seekers have it. It’s how we’re so accurate with our missiles while flying.” He looked at Thundercracker and Skywarp. “Right?”

Starscream wasn’t exactly lying. They _did_ have advanced targeting software for missiles, but it wouldn’t affect hand-optic coordination for throwing darts. Out loud Thundercracker simply said, “Right.”

Skywarp was much more enthusiastic. “Absolutely. I’m so accurate it’s sick. When I throw something in the trash, it goes in _every time_.”

“I literally cannot miss,” said Starscream. “Come on, we can both be fifty shanix richer and get bragging rights over Black Shadow and Bludgeon. What could be better than that?”

“Fine. Fine,” said Overlord. He snapped his fingers at Black Shadow. “You’re on. I’ve got a hundred shanix on Starscream.”

“You? Really? Perfect.” Black Shadow stepped towards Overlord and grasped his fingers in a firm, if clearly unwanted, handshake. “I loooooove taking your money.”

“And I love defeating you,” said Overlord with a hearty slap on Black Shadow’s wing.

Thundercracker couldn’t keep the frown off his face. Starscream had just raised the stakes even higher, and involved Overlord. Great. He opened their Trinelink to send a message, only to have it forcibly shut down on Starscream’s side.

Still standing in front of the cyber-dart board, Bludgeon was starting to lose his patience. “Have you realized the grave nature of your mistake already, Starscream? Stop stalling for time and play the game. The least you can do is face your disgrace with a warrior’s spark!”

“Ugh,” groaned Starscream. “Spare me the verbal warrior wank. Let’s play.”

The voices in the room grew so quiet that the only sounds came from excited engines and rumbling power plants. Every mech crowded a little closer, all optics riveted on the emerging battle.

Despite Skywarp’s hand brushing reassuringly against his, Thundercracker still gritted his teeth and felt his spark fall. This wouldn’t end well.

Starscream considered the board for a few seconds, and then threw the first dart. It landed in the second circle. Fifty points. Bludgeon’s first dart landed in the second circle as well, not far from Starscream’s. Fifty to fifty.

Starscream’s second dart didn’t fare as well. It landed in the outermost circle. Ten points.

Bludgeon made a few practice motions, and then let his second dart sail. It lodged directly in the center. One hundred points.

The crowd gasped. Black Shadow giggled. Overlord’s engine dropped to a dangerous pitch.

“You fool!” crowed Bludgeon. “One hundred fifty to sixty. Now your salvation will only occur if you perform perfectly, and I fail utterly.”

“Well get ready to taste the sweet contamination of failure,” said Starscream. He threw his last dart with a ridiculous flourish. It missed the board and bounced harmlessly off the wall. “Slag!”

Bludgeon’s last dart flew out of his hand and right into the bullseye. His laughter was the conductor of everyone’s reactions. As it grew louder, so did every other mech in the room. Soon the mess hall was a symphony of uproarious squeals and jeers.

“Uhhh let’s stand over here,” said Skywarp. He grabbed Thundercracker’s arm and pulled him out of the reach of a very annoyed looking Overlord.

“Dammit.” Starscream kicked at the floor with his heel. “Fraggit all!”

Arms crossed at his chest, Bludgeon stood triumphant in the center. “Prattling deviant! Once again your mouth flies faster than your thoughts. Will you stand up to your end of the bargain, Starscream? Or will you slink away, a coward with your secrets?”

Starscream held up his hands in surrender and heaved a great sigh. “I can admit when I’m beaten. Hang on.” He ambled towards the table that he’d been sharing with Thundercracker and Skywarp and picked up his energon. Refusing to meet their desperate gazes, he then moved to Bludgeon’s table and grabbed his half-finished cube as well.

Thundercracker shared a suspicious look with Skywarp. Something wasn’t right here. If there was one thing Starscream _couldn’t_ admit, it was when he was beaten.

Stepping back into the center of the room, Starscream handed Bludgeon’s cube to him. He then raised his own and said, “To you, Bludgeon. Perhaps metallikato is worth something after all.”

“Bah,” said Bludgeon, but he brought the cube to the jawless opening in his face and tipped the majority of the contents down his throat.

Starscream took a large swig as well, and then watched Bludgeon with blazing optics. “There you go. Bottoms up!”

Wiping at the small trail of energon that had spilled onto his neck, Bludgeon said, “Enough time wasting.”

“Very well,” said Starscream. “My gladiator name was…” He let them all hang in suspense for a few seconds before finishing. “…Pretty Poison.”

Fifty amused Decepticons made a lot of noise. Metallic feet clanged against the floor. Mechs doubled over and held onto each other for support. In between peals of hilarity, everyone struggled to wheeze out their own personal opinion.

Ramjet hung onto Dirge, his ailerons wriggling. “That’s…that’s so stupid.”

“Pretty Poison,” snickered Swindle. “What a sad little fanbot you were, Screamer.”

“No,” shouted Black Shadow. “You know what? I like it! It’s very you.”

“Thank you, Black Shadow!” cried Starscream. “At least one of you besides Thundercracker and Skywarp has any taste.”

“I’ve always liked it,” said Thundercracker with a shrug. Sure it was a little silly, but Starscream wore it well enough to tip the moniker into sexy badaft territory.

“Agreed,” said Skywarp.

“Disagreed,” said Overlord. He was chuckling so hard he looked like he was about ready to split into his two separate alt modes. “Ah, that was worth the hundred shanix. Pretty Poison. So pathetic!”

Bludgeon was swaying on his feet. “Does Megatron know you named yourself this? Your desperate shame, Starscream is….” He staggered sideways, his engine emitting a sickened chunk. “Is…it’s…” Smoke began to billow from the seams on his side. He fell to one knee, the cube tumbling from his fingers.

Starscream was right there to catch it before any of the liquid could fall out. “Funny thing about that name though.” He leaned towards a smoking and gagging Bludgeon. “I love it.”

Optics dimming, Bludgeon fell onto his side and convulsed. Half digested fuel sputtered out of the bottom half of his face. Something popped in his chest, and he lost all pressure in his pneumatic servos. Finally he stopped shaking and lay there, softly groaning in a humiliated pool of his own leaking oil.

Starscream idly examined the remains of Bludgeon’s cube, continuing to address the room like nothing out of the ordinary was happening. “I loved Pretty Poison back then, and I love it now. I’m not embarrassed by it at all, no matter what you idiots think.” He kicked at Bludgeon’s miserable, oozing frame. “And I would’ve just told it to you in the first place, if you’d asked nicely and hadn’t been such a slag-eating scraplet about it.”

Black Shadow was the first to recover. He pointed to Bludgeon and stammered, “You…you poisoned him? Over the name Pretty Poison?”

“Yeah,” said Starscream. “I think that’s what you call irony. Or something.”

“When?!?!” cried Black Shadow. “I never saw you do it.”

“Right now when I picked up his cube,” said Starscream. “And to think, if I could do it that easily to him, imagine what I could’ve done to the rest of you before this all started.”

A shiver of fear went through the group. Mechs still holding their cubes dropped them and backed away. Others felt at their faces and bodies, as if they could somehow determine if they were poisoned. Misfire clutched at his torso and whimpered. “I thought I was feeling a little weird.”

Starscream tipped the remainder of Bludgeon’s cube into his own and swirled the two liquids together. “Nah, you’re all fine. I’m kidding. Or am I? Either way, enjoy thinking about that for the rest of the night.” He started walking towards the exit and jerked a thumb at Bludgeon without looking back. “And you might wanna call him a medic.”

Overlord stepped into his path, fury written all over his rapidly cycling EM field. “You,” he snarled. “You threw the game just to trick him into drinking poison. And you talked me into betting on purpose.”

“Yup,” said Starscream.

There was a series of pings and beeps as every weapons system in Overlord’s frame came online. “Why?” he asked darkly.

Starscream looked up at him, completely unimpressed, and said, “Because don’t shove my Trinemates, you worthless power plant.”

Thundercracker powered up his own weapons, preparing for things to get ugly. He was torn between feeling touched that Starscream would defend them, and being infuriated that Starscream would antagonize Overlord in the name of defending them.

“Now hold on.” Black Shadow eased between Overlord and Starscream. “I believe there’s the matter of the payment you owe me?” He turned to Starscream and mouthed the word _Go!_

They quickly made for the exit. Just before the door shut, Thundercracker caught a glimpse of the chaos they were leaving behind. Bludgeon in a mess on the floor, Overlord and Black Shadow on the verge of blows, and every other mech in some state of quivering fear or boisterous mirth.

On the scale of Tumultuous Decepticon Mealtimes, Thundercracker ranked this one at about a seven.

Once in the hallway, they slowed their pace. Starscream in the middle, Thundercracker and Skywarp on either side of him.

“So yeah,” said Starscream. “You two should pick up a monitor duty shift or something right now. Keep yourselves occupied and in public view. Some of those losers are gonna want revenge.”

Thundercracker wanted to lecture him. He wanted to shake his finger in Starscream’s face and rant about escalation and consequences, about abusing power and making enemies. But Starscream’s happy smile was beguiling, and the fact that Starscream was so offended that Overlord had shoved them made Thundercracker’s spark pleasantly warm. In the end he had no response but to say, “You are unbelievable.”

“Way to own the name though,” said Skywarp. “So what now, Pretty Poison? What’re you gonna do with that toxic cube there?”

Starscream looked at the cube, and then beamed at them. “Why, it’s time for evening energon. I’m gonna go see if Megatron is thirsty. Don’t wait up for me!”

With that, he spun on his heel and sauntered down the hall, leaving a stunned Thundercracker and Skywarp to stare at the back of his pretty, pretty wings.


End file.
